{"id":3256,"date":"2021-10-25T00:05:00","date_gmt":"2021-10-25T00:05:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.carolhollandmarch.com\/?p=3256"},"modified":"2021-10-25T00:05:00","modified_gmt":"2021-10-25T00:05:00","slug":"the-book-i-feared-to-write","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.carolhollandmarch.com\/index.php\/2021\/10\/25\/the-book-i-feared-to-write\/","title":{"rendered":"The Book I Feared to Write"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

When the pandemic of 2020 crashed down like a tidal wave, I retreated into my home to wait it out.<\/strong><\/p>\n

A writer and teacher who works at home, it wasn\u2019t a stretch to teach classes online and restrict communications to telephone and Zoom sessions. Enforced isolation seemed the perfect time to w0rk on ideas I\u2019d been gathering for a new book. No more excuses. Time to write that book.<\/p>\n

For the first few weeks I believed my own story. Kept my commitments. Participated in online meetings and classes. On regular bike rides with my dog, Zena, I spoke to neighbors I had rarely seen. Everyone was eager to say hello, pass the time of day, and relay how they were coping. At the park, passersby were friendlier than usual. I sat under a ramada near a favorite tree while Zena rolled on the grass. Dogs trotted over to say hello. People waved. It was interesting how being forced to separate brought us closer together.<\/p>\n

Weeks passed. I taught my classes, worked with students, completed editing jobs, and wrote. My writing practice is decades old, so I always write, but the new book\u2019s focus eluded me. Anxiety kept me moving but also made it hard to sit and concentrate on an intensely private subject: my relationship to Spirit.<\/p>\n

Fiction was easier to write, so I did that. Sent out short stories. Got a couple published. Still, I felt like a skittish animal running in ever-tightening circles around the one thing it wanted but feared to approach.<\/p>\n

Facing my new book, which my mind had told me would be short and easy to write, I trembled.<\/strong><\/p>\n

An optimist at heart, I believe we have more freedom than we realize. We aren\u2019t victims of our genetics, family upbringing, finances, politics, or experience. These things shape us, but at every moment, we have the choice to change. No matter our circumstances, we can embark on a fresh path.<\/p>\n

Practice what you preach, I exhorted myself as I created a new spreadsheet and listed my chapters. I forged ahead with another draft\u2014wrote, edited, researched, and organized. But something wasn\u2019t right.<\/p>\n

It was time to examine my own beliefs. One More Time.<\/strong><\/p>\n

After serious meditation and journaling, I uncovered the face of my resistance\u2014my lifelong reticence to write about who I am. Not in the external sense. What was uncomfortable was writing about my inner world, which is far more real to me than what I do \u201cout there.\u201d<\/p>\n

I am one of the lucky ones. From early childhood, I have wandered the inner world. I also knew that, if I spoke of it, the outcome would be ridicule and shaming. So I kept my counsel until I got older and found safe spaces to be myself.<\/p>\n

The roots of my personal challenges were buried deep. Not \u201cout there\u201d in an unmarked grave but inside my psyche and body, what I call the \u201cbiofield.\u201d Because of early trauma, I\u2019ve berated and second-guessed myself, agonized, and rationalized when deciding about jobs, relationships, business, writing projects, and finances. I doubted my inner perceptions and the common wisdom. Anxiety was a constant companion. No matter what I did, I judged myself, taking on more responsibility than was mine to bear, experiencing the exquisite torture of teetering on the line between worlds.<\/p>\n

Struggling with a book I couldn\u2019t grasp, an epiphany burst forth. I realized that, at this moment, only what\u2019s important counts\u2014and what\u2019s important is what I\u2019ve learned from sojourning with my inner self. The lessons were not complicated, but I\u2019ve been a slow study, so it\u2019s taken time to re-member them<\/p>\n